Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
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Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
I opened the fridge door, but something inside slammed it shut. It’s going to be Uber Eats until we can move out.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
“what that mouth do?” complain
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Luigi: You got your own land, world & galaxy. Can I have Mario Mansion?
Mario: ok fine [under breath] gonna put a bunch of ghosts in it tho
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
wow he looks just like him
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential