me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
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Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
haha how about we make a pact if we’re both single in 6 seconds we get married?? haha look how nervous u are. times runnin out tho
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
one of my colleagues is just one of my absolute favourite people. a patient brought us in homemade strawberry and cream cupcakes as an apology for being rude earlier, and my colleague just finished hers, licked her lips, dropped the paper in the bin and announced to the world ‘A F****N’ ENJOYED THAT, SORCHA. SOMEONE ANNOY HER AGAIN’
I love her
Fire inspector, “Do you have any enemies?”
Me, “lol do you have a pen?”
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say