If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
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To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
it must be school picture day
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
Kitchen Rule No 1.
Don’t walk away from boiling milk unless you’re willing to start over and scrub that stove for a 100 years.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Dating a beekeeper would be stressful because if they called you “honey,” you wouldn’t know if they were being romantic or if they were just thinking about work again.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.