Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
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Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
[on date]
Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.
Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Today there was a band-aid on my plate, a bat flew in the house, & a bee stung me. Today was brought to me by the letter B.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
*swipes right on my hand mirror
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
Of course I stay hydrated.
Carbohydrated
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad