‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
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dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
My daughter told me breathing is for losers and now I have to somehow surreptitiously check her for gills
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
If you think I can be won over by a large Toblerone, then you, my friend, are correct.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
*Inspirational Tweets*
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up