You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
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Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Back in the 90s, Target sold mini board game key chains, including a key chain Ouija board. These tiny things always made me laugh, just imagining an inch-high demon running around tormenting someone. Oh no, he’ll give you a hangnail! He’ll roll the peas right off your plate!
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
[marriage counseling]
We just don’t see eye to eye
“Because you insist on wearing that stupid pirate hat”
YOU WILL ADDRESS ME AS CAPTAIN
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-