If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
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My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
It’s 6am somewhere!
~Toddlers waking up at 4am.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
“I love having my toddlers surprise me by joining my shower. Not only is it relaxing and efficient, it’s eco friendly.”
SAID NO MOM EVER
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.