We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
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Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I like working from base to tip…very slowly…taking my time. It’s really the best way to get the hair dye all the way in there, ya know?
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.
So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Mugger: Give me your wallet!
Me: Back off! I know karate.
*later*
Me: Well, he called my bluff.
Doctor: You have lost a lot of blood.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
they say the average adult has sex 54 times a year. November and December are apparently going to be awesome
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.