wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
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me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Just got to our Airbnb!
It do be feeling this way.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
If you want your teen to finish her homework, tell her to fold the laundry.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers