🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Mouse
If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
Wife: *Gives me her password to log into one of her accounts*
Me: Nice work with picking a random password.
Wife: It’s our anniversary.
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!