The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
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Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
I’d hit that
-me, to my snooze alarm
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
I hacked into my wife’s computer and un-justified the margins on all of her documents.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
no one likes gloating
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Go ahead, criticize my overprotective parenting but no gorillas were shot on my watch.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me