I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
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Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
A close talker, a loud talker, and a cougher walked into an elevator to punish me for not hitting the close door button fast enough.
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
[First date]
HER: I want a man who is intensely passionate when he sees something he wants
ME: PASS THE FREAKING SALT
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
This made me chuckle.
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.