Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
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Me: Ugh, I’d rather die.
Bartender: Literally nobody said anything.
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Y’all it’s so wild to call a pharmacy and they ask for the date of birth and I’m like he is a cat I have no idea I found him in a shelter his name is James Dumpling you got his pills or???
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
My daughter complained we were out of snacks so I lifted the couch cushions.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?