Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
You Might Also Like
When I win the lottery I’m getting a pool boy, maybe I’ll even get a pool.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
Cinderella update where the girl leaves her Invisalign on the table as she flees the party & the prince tries to fit it into the mouth of every girl in the land
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us