Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
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I’ve watched this 17,467 times
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
Not to brag but I gave someone directions and he made it.
Not only did I finally find my car keys when I sat down on the couch I also got my first piercing
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
i have good and bad news
Wife: Ok, the bad news?
i didn’t clean out the garage
Wife:*sigh* the good news?
[holds up cat dressed as Thor]
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball