Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.
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First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
I just don’t understand people who see Tesla hit pedestrians, blow up, and malfunction constantly and are like “yes please Mr. Musk I want to drive one underwater”
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
“just great, I’ve lost my house my wife is leaving and my kids hate me how can this day get any worse”
-A dinosaur, 66 million years ago
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
My gf said, “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”
Me: Sure.
[BANG]
Me: it’s 4 35 pm.