*hops in time machine*
him: where ya going?
me: 1988..this kid roasted me and I said oh yeah well shutup and BOY DO I HAVE THE BEST COMEBACK NOW
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“We need to kill the terrorist NOW”
But how..
“The human body is 70% water”
Jesus, you know what to do
*terrorist dies of alcohol poisoning*
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
More like Kate Missington.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
My Plans 2020
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
i made a craigslist ad !
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
The Assassin.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency