Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
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Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
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Neanderthal: *flirting* you know what they say, once you go Neanderthal you never go back at all
Scientist: why do they say that?
Neanderthal: because I smashed your time machine
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
People who think getting friendzoned is bad have clearly never been Autozoned.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
My favorite female superhero
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
No Shave November
No Deodorant December
Lose Your Job January
Forget To Pay Rent February
Move in With Mom and Dad March
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
purely hypothetical question, just for fun: what should somebody do if they have to dispose of many human bones?