Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
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I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
synchronized noseblowing
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…