me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
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i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
Yeah I’m married, but get one thing straight, I do WHAT I want, WHEN I wanfdsskk THIS IS SHAUN’S WIFE, HE HAS TO GO NOW, HE SAYS GOODNIGHT.
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
Not enough things are decided by potato sack races anymore.
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
The holidays are always tough on me….
One year for Christmas , I made a gingerbread house that wasn’t up to code & it collapsed on a tiny, little gingerbread family.
Still haunts me.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
You dunk one baby’s foot in ranch dressing and suddenly you’re banned from the salad bar.
[1st date]
*ok don’t let her know you’re a manatee*
Hi 2 movie tickets OH YOU HAVE MANATEE PRICING?!?
“Sir, do you mean matinee?”
Dammit
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
this is me