barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
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*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Dog 911: what’s ur emer-
Dog: MY HUMAN IS TALKING TO ME
Dog 911: so?
Dog: THEN HE ANSWERS FOR ME IN A WEIRD VOICE
Dog 911: OMG
Dog: OMG
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
I JUST WON MY EASTER EGG HUNT!!! Those 8 year olds didn’t stand a chance to my pushing and sprinting. It was kinda like taking candy from a baby!
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
How come when people say “it’s been real” it’s fine, but when I say “this has been a fictitious event conjured up by my addled brain” all of the beings around me get awful quiet.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
Great game to play with friends
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.