The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
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[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
I knocked over a plant in the kitchen but my cat saw me so I had to spray myself with water so I could show the law applies to everyone
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
If you know, you know 😂🚔
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
[I open my lunchbox to find a copy of the Magna Carta]
But that means…
[cut to British Library patrons thoughtfully examining a Capri Sun]
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
First day of gondolier training:
You mean I have to stand…STAND on the tip of this boat ALL day rowing with one oar?
Singing. You have to sing.
Sing?! How could this job be any worse?
Wait, let me get your costume.
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
8yo overheard me talking about getting laser eye surgery. She got really upset. I was surprised by her reaction until she said “but what if you accidentally shoot me with laser beams!”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.