Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
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I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Overindulged this afternoon.
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
THE NEWS: gas prices are at an all time high
ME: *hasn’t left my house in over 2 years* oh no
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.