[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
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I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
My biggest fear is a serial killer brewing a fresh pot of coffee, while I’m trying to play dead.
I don’t know a single person who is age 40 who was born in 2000.
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok, I’ll get him a little towel
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.