“What a tangled web we weave”
-Earbuds
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Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
my retirement plan is braless
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
It’s called Taco Bell because Alexander Graham Bell also invented the taco.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl