Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
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“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
I’m done – Now even the damn ouija board is asking me who I’m voting for in the election
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
I just ran 4.1 Kms and realized you can write anything you want after that and no one will read it purple monkey dishwasher.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
A guy that was falsely imprisoned for 10 years got free tickets to the Super Bowl. That guy is SO lucky.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
ok, now say it again so my wife hears
“you’re too big for this ride, sir”
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
I like to send little notes in my kid’s lunchbox, like “Sorry the Wheat Thins are stale, that’s what happens when you leave the box open.”