[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
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Started saying “see ya next year” to everyone. Seems to really creep people out when they have no idea who the hell you are
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
HIM: ”License and registration.”
ME: *slides him fish*
HIM: …
ME: *slides him another fish*
HIM: “Have a good day, sir.”
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking
ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol
how was your vacation
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”