I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
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self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
ME: Jealousy destroys everything it touches
ANTIQUE DEALER: Weird thing to name your cat but you still have to pay for everything it broke
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
How cool would it be if dogs could drive, get a job, pay the mortgage, grocery shop, & all you had to do was get excited when they got home?
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”