Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
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Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
I don’t know why movies bother to use fake blood when our bodies are absolutely filled with their own renewable supply
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
That awkward moment when I give a guy a fake phone number and he tries to call it in front of me.. #OhShiiiit
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.