Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
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[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
What does $50 get you at the Chanel store?
13 seconds of eye contact.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
A Quiet Place was the WRONG movie to sneak kettle chips into.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
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Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Biden: I told him that we call in attacks on countries by blocking them on Twitter.
O: Joe…
Biden: Trust me.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
🤣🤣🤣🤣