i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
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Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Imagining the Matrix pill scene if Neo bent down and ate the red pill directly out of Morpheus’ hand like a petting zoo goat and Morpheus completely froze weirded out
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Me: I’m gonna lose weight.
Me: I’m gonna exercise every day.
Me: I’m gonna go on a diet and stick to it.
Me: Is that cake?
When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
The Mayan Calendar doesn’t really stop at 2012, they just ran out of sexy firefighters.
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
*walks into a restaurant*
Waiter: Sir, I have Stewed Liver, Boiled Tongue & Frog’s Legs.
Me: Enough bout your problems. Get the Menu Card
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
I’ve kissed so many frogs trying to find a prince that I’ve actually discovered several new species.