*gets a Fitbit for Christmas*
*puts it on a squirrel*
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moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
I get it, Christmas tree. I too am better when I’m lit up.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
I need a hobby. I’ve been over on Insta, commenting ‘what kind of dog is this?’ On people’s bird pics.
If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Me: Want some trail mix?
Him: That’s just peanut butter m&m’s and some ibuprofen.
Me: It’s homemade.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
(NASA)
HQ: Good launch everyone.
Astronaut: Uhh what’s that buzzing noise?
NASA Prankster: Definitely rocket noise and not bees.