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Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Newborns cry because they’re being evicted
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
*plays sleep meditation with affirmations for abundance as I drift off to sleep*
*wakes up and checks bank account*
Me: Well that didn’t work.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
me: I quit drugs to concentrate on rock climbing
him: nice what’s the highest you’ve been
me: I tried to kiss a goldfish
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
REASONS I’M NOT IN A BAND:
4. I don’t play any instruments
3. Band practice could affect my karate career
2. My karate rivals might hide inside our tour bus and sneak attack me as I relax
1. High risk of groupies falling in love with me and distracting me from my karate training
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good