In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
You Might Also Like
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
😂💯
Picks up a package of hotdogs that are oozing grey liquid
Me: these say they have another week
*throws them in the cart*
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this