Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
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*calls sister while babysitting for her*
“the younger one says you guys don’t own a snake. this true?” [kid in background] ITS LOOKING AT ME
*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)
Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?
Me: NO! *eats it*
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
your elf on the shelf was delicious
“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆