My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
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Realize this:
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
I can’t remember if I’ve got bacon in my fridge or not. I think I might have a touch of hamnesia.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.