My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
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When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
This kid is going places
Social distancing in Australia:
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
me: ..but is it peri-NE-um or per-IN-eum?
priest: for the third time, confession does not need to be this specific
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
PAL: Do you think the Cowboys will beat the Giants?
ME: There is no way
PAL: Why?
ME: Giants are very large and cowboys are just regular sized people
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
car not found