Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
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[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
Stick it to the man
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
It’s like nobody in this McDonalds has seen a guy spreading marmalade on a Big Mac before.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that 4 glasses of wine makes it exponentially more difficult to get out of the bathtub.
Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
[moth meeting]
Moth: I was thinking, since we all love the light so much why don’t we come out during the day?
Head moth: no, we fly into lamps until we die
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
If someone came to my door & said “We’ll give you a dollar for every plastic bag shoved under your kitchen sink.” I’d be living large.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples