Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
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I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.
It said..
FINAL NOTICE
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
anyone know what happened at the 2nd noel?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground