My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
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GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
The tooth fairy left an ominous note about coming back for the rest of my teeth.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.