Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
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the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
Word.
~ Microsoft.
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Remember “pantsing” people in high school… sneaking up behind one of your bros and slipping an extra pair of pants on over his pants
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
IKEA furniture will now snap together
will no tools or hardware.The company boasts that it will save
thousands of h̶o̶u̶r̶s̶ marriages
MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.