My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
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[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi
Went into the kitchen and found my daughter and her boyfriend making popcorn …..
One. Kernel. At. A. Time.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
[at the mall with my husband]
Me singing softly: She’s just a girl and she’s on fire..
Hubby: *shoots dirty look*
Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she’s got her head in the clouds and-
Hubby: Shhh!
Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH