WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
You Might Also Like
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
A fun thing to say when someone asks if you have a sec is “I have a lot of secs.” Then wink. Then fill out sexual harassment paperwork.
This tweet has been deleted
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!