Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
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If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
I only sleep with people who make me laugh.
Luckily, I find myself hilarious.
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
White Castle for the Win
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
6: Mom will you play with me?
Me: Sure buddy
6: Yay! Okay you can sit right there, you don’t even have to get up!
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ ᵐʸ ᶠᵃᵛᵒʳᶦᵗᵉ ᵏᶦᵈ
Sounds like a bargain
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
that lip filler tho
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.