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I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Employee: “Wow, you look tired.”
Me: *fires him for harassment*
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Hey, Honey, I bought you this Peloton bike for Christmas!
Oh, you don’t need a knife, the box is easy to open.
Babe, you definitely don’t need two knives…..
Uh oh…..
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
no wonder people are such suckers for pyramid schemes because grade school taught us that if you sold $200 worth of stuff you’d get a free jump rope and we just thought that was the best deal
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
there are only two portion sizes for mashed potatoes: nowhere near enough (posh restaurants) or far, far too much (literally everyone else)
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.