[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
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Me: You’re on my VERY LAST NERVE!
2020: Nope.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
I accidentally swallowed some Scrabble squares.
Going for a poo could spell trouble!
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!