Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
You Might Also Like
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
My “Pi” tattoo is taking longer than I thought
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Him: I like meatier girls.
Me: I killed the dinosaurs.
Him: What?
Me: What?
My son’s method of Laundry: If it’s clean it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty then it goes on the floor over there.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
[Airport terminal]
*waits at baggage claim area*
*an entire roast pig emerges on the carousel*
*I check the tag to make sure it’s mine*
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds