The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
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Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?
Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
Pro tip: if you have a student’s mother email you for a grade change have your mother respond to it.
Fight 🔥 with 🔥
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
thank god
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.
Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.