Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
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This is why I don’t delete Facebook
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Pillow fights didn’t last as long in the Stone Age.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
Obama: Hello Amer-
*feels a tug on his suit coat*
What Joe??
Biden: What color should the lion be?
Yellow.
Biden: I’m using green. *giggles*
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
Same pineapple, same
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Why is it when the sun blacks out on a Monday afternoon it’s an “amazing natural phenomenon” but when I do it’s a “problem”
Just saw a Facebook status that said “ironing boards are just surfboards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs” and I laughed out loud… Can’t tell if it’s funny or if I’m just overtired
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s