I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
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I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Seems I can never find good brussels sprouts at the store, so I decided to grow them myself. Turns out I don’t like brussels sprouts.
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Time heals everything 🙂
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
Jack: *runs up the hill*
Jill: *waits for an Uber*
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.